Not Tonight Josephine

June 23: Somewhat chuffed to hear that there is to be a new Napoleonic flick coming out. History buffs are well aware that it has been far too long since we have seen a classic period movie. All the hype about 1917, having been precisely that – hype. Wasn’t Gallipoli (1981) twice as good?  Seems to me that if anyone is ever going to bring about another timeless movie in line with heavyweights like Jason and the Argonauts, Papillion (the original), Godfather II, Gandhi, Dr Zhivago, etc, etc, then this was an opportunity to do so. Seems to me that when creating a movie about Napoleon Bonaparte there are various roads which one may venture down, depending upon how you view him. For me, it’s hard to see past the fact that he was a military master of warfare - perhaps the best ever. Arguably, the man often displayed an uncanny ability on the battlefield, leaving Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great both lacking in comparison.

While WWII’s Desert Fox – Erwin Rommel, doesn’t even come remotely close to the little Corsican’s performances. Napoleon has also been portrayed to a high standard in previous movies too, at least by Rod Steiger in Dino De Laurentis’s epic 1970 movie – Waterloo. So, there is a high bar, both historically and theatrically, but this does not lower the number of angles that there are for a film maker choose from. Similarly, there is a deep box of military, political, and mystical ingredients to consider too, as opposed to simply focusing upon one particular battle in Belgium. I was always impressed by how a small, sickly, and poorly spoken, nobody from Corsica, rose to become emperor, not only of France, but of Europe.

Some people see him as a genius, whilst other think him a fool who made the same mistake as Hitler by invading Russia. I have read him accused of an Anti-Christ by the Tsar of Russia, whilst others, including the Pope, regarded him as being holy. I was keen to see which route Ridley Scott would go with a new film about Boney.  After all, hadn’t Scott directed Gladiator, with its excellent opening battle scene set in ancient Germania? I was further encouraged in July 23, to read that Scott had decided to use real horses and extras in his battle scenes. Well, thinks I, they tried that in Waterloo, 15,000 of them to be exact, and this had really made the difference in taking the viewers back to the battle. So, this was clearly going to be a war film by Mr Scott and quite possibly a classic, I dared to reason.  

Joaquin Phoenix is cast as Boney, which I was neither here nor there with. Though I confess that I had fancied Di Caprio to be the better fit. At least Leo might not have played the role with Phoenix’s distinctly West Coast accent. Having previously shown that he could easily switch accents in both Django and Blood Diamonds, Leo may well have done as De Niro had previously done in The Untouchables, where he put on weight to play Al Capone with a Chicago accent. I do like Joaquin Phoenix despite his “Hey there Delilah” twang, and that’s my only concern. I thought he had been decent in Gladiator, and very good as Johnny Cash. In both of those movies though, he had embraced the roles by applying his characters accents. Whereas, choosing to keep his accent for the role of Napoleon does seem either strange or arrogant.

Nov 2023: I dug up an old and somewhat scrappy paper I had once written on a higher history course many years ago. I wanted to reboot my understanding of the enigmatic entity that was Napoleon Bonaparte the night before ging to watch the movie. It’s not good to read one’s schoolwork from years gone by really, and as expected I found myself sighing. Wow - had I really been thinking back then that Boney had enjoyed some sort of supernatural assistance after his experience in the Great Pyramid of Giza? Certainly, his escape from Egypt had been blessed with exceptional fortune, sure, and yes, he was known for his unusual brilliance and general all round luck, but alas, I had been but a young dreamer back then.

“Save your thesis for a dissertation, if you ever get to write one,” - a hand scribbled note from my tutor raised a grin. I would write that dissertation one day, but there would be little free thinking left in me by then, of course. What did come to mind when I finished reading it, was this notion that there are several routes to go down for any film maker making a film based on Boney’s life. What route would Scott be taking us down?

Well sadly, two hours into this flick, I was becoming fidgety and starting to regret the effort I had made in going. Obviously, I had been hoping to witness a potential Oscar winner here, whereas by three hours in my arse hurt. In a period swimming in political, social, and military turmoil, Scott has instead painted us a portrait based around a love story, or rather, an infatuation. To deflate me further, an elderly couple decided to cheat the seating plans in the theatre when the movie started. These two attempted to crouch, like geriatric Ninjas, with hunched backs akin to the Jim Carey cartoon version of Scrooge, in the belief that they were not being observed sneaking up the stairs to the expensive seats. Not that I minded this, I too have helped myself to the posh seats up the back before, but I was surprised to find that despite there being several other seats in isolated spaces, this couple decided to plonk themselves down right beside Moi, who was in the darkest corner of the theatre at the end of the back row up against a wall.

This unwelcome surprise resulted in myself having to slowly chew the mouthful of cheesy Doritos I had been cheerily scoffing, in an effort not to make a sound during the many, quiet love scenes. I had previously reckoned that the Napoleonic cannon and grape shot would be perfect for Dorito munching, but I got that wrong too. To make matters even worse, Mr Ninja started coughing whilst deciding against covering his mouth. I even wondered if he had been pretending to have a cough in order to make me go away, so he could have some space and privacy to grab a winch with Mrs Ninja. I found myself wondering if I should move, or laugh, or whether I should just offer them a Dorito? Perhaps Mrs Ninja might help herself to my bottle of Lucozade Zero and hand it to the old chancer like in the Irn Bru advert where the grandfather takes his false teeth and slurps all over it? Then I did laugh.  

Err, this would have been a five out of ten for me, but like Scorsese’s Irishman, it’s just been dragged out for an hour or two too long. Four out of ten for me then, sadly. The little time spent on the battle scenes appear to be filmed with a dark grey film tint (think Tom Hardy’s, Taboo, and Guy Pearce’s, A Christmas Carol). It seems as if this may have been done to hide the fact that the battle scenes are just not good enough. Regarding Bonaparte’s many military campaigns, we only get a wee bit of Borodino, same with Waterloo, yet very little of the Russian campaign and that devastating retreat which saw over 500,000 men and beast lost. Nor do we get much of the Egyptian campaign, and nothing at all of the battle of the Pyramids, or the war in Spain. This is certainly no Oscar winner folks. Compared to the magnificent Waterloo, well, that’s like comparing Goldfinger with Danger Mouse, I suppose. 

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