Not Tonight Josephine

June 2023:

Somewhat excited to learn that there was to be a new Napoleonic flick coming out. History buffs like myself are only too aware that it has been far too long since a classic period movie has been made. All the hype about 1917, being precisely that – hype. Wasn’t Gallipoli (1981) twice as good?  If anyone is ever going to bring about another timeless movie in line with heavyweights such as Jason and the Argonauts, Papillion (the original), Godfather II, Gandhi, Dr Zhivago, here was an opportunity to do so. When creating a movie about Bonaparte there are various roads one may venture down, depending upon how you view the man. It’s hard to see past the fact that he was a military master of warfare - perhaps the best ever. Arguably, Bonaparte displayed an uncanny ability on the battlefield, Caesar and Alexander the Great both being quite unable to compare.

Even WWII’s Desert Fox – Erwin Rommel, doesn’t come remotely close to the little Corsican. Napoleon has quite rightly been portrayed to a high standard in previous movies, at least by Rod Steiger in Dino De Laurentiis’s epic 1970 movie – Waterloo. So, there is a high bar, plenty of angles to take on, and an endless box of military, political, and mystical ingredients to plunge for when making any film about him. This is an opportunity to cover his life as opposed to simply focusing upon one particular battle in Belgium. I have always been impressed by how a small and poorly spoken nobody from Corsica, rose to become emperor, not only of France, but of Europe, and endorsed by Pope Pius VII.  

Surely a film such as this encourages hope for people like myself who are always keeping an eye out for the next Amadeus.  I’m thinking, A Bridge too Far, but with treble scope and possibility of the empty canvas. Imagine too, if a studio were to go all out, as they had with A Bridge too Far, and assembled a premiership cast. Albeit being nearly impossible to replicate the cast of, A Bridge too Far, which starred, Caan, Cain, Connery, Hackman, Redford, Hopkins, Gould, O’Neil, Bogarde, and Fox; all of whom then being supported by an outstanding substitutes bench, including, Laurence Olivier, Denholm Elliot, and Hardy Krüger. Nice soundbite then? Yours truly was duly optimistic about this movie.

July 2023:

Further encouraged to hear that Ridley Scott was directing. After all, hadn’t he directed Gladiator, with its excellent opening battle scene set in ancient Germania? I was looking forward to the release of Napoleon for the rest of the summer – was this going to be something special? This appeared to be confirmed when I read one Sunday morning that Scott had decided to use real horses and extras in his battle scenes. Well Waterloo had used 15,000 of them after all, which had really made the difference, so this was clearly going to be a war film, and potentially a classic.  Joaquin Phoenix is cast as Boney, which seemed fine to me at the time. Though I confess that I fancied Di Caprio as the better fit. Di Caprio could have put on weight to play the older Bonaparte and looked better, or is that just me?

At least he might not have played the role with Phoenix’s distinctly West Coast accent. Having previously shown that he could easily switch accents in both Django and Blood Diamonds, Leo may well have done as De Niro had in The Untouchables, where he put on weight to play his version of Capone with a Chicago accent.

However, I do like Joaquin Phoenix despite his “Hey there Delilah” twang and thought he had been decent in Gladiator, and very good as Johnny Cash. In both of those movies he had embraced the roles by applying his characters accents. Whereas, choosing to keep his accent for his role as Napoleon, seems to be an error. I just can’t help wondering if a Di Caprio, or an Edward Norton, might have achieved more with this fantastic opportunity.

 

Nov 2023:

When November finally arrived, I dug up an old and scrappy paper I had once written on a higher history course many years ago, and tried to reboot my acquaintance with the enigmatic entity that was Napoleon Bonaparte, the night before going to watch the movie. Wow, had I really been thinking back then that Bonaparte had enjoyed some sort of supernatural assistance after his experience in the Great Pyramid of Giza? Certainly, his escape from Egypt had been blessed with exceptional fortune, sure, and he was known for his unusual brilliance and luck all round, but alas, I had been but a young dreamer back then.

“Save your thesis for a dissertation, if you ever get to write one, one day.” A hand scribbled note beside one particular passage, from my old tutor, raised a smile as I gave the old paper a gander. I would write that dissertation one day, there were no arguments left in me by then, of course, and I presented only the evidence, as a good robot should. What was reiterated to me, however, as I re-went over my thesis, was that there are so many doors open to anyone making a film based on any of the wonderful adventures in Bonaparte’s life. I just was not sure what route Ridley Scott would go down with his version.

Sadly, two hours into this film, I was becoming fidgety and starting to regret the effort I had. Obviously, I had been hoping to witness an Oscar winner, yet by three and a half hours in, my arse hurt, and I wished I had not bothered. In a world swimming in political, social, and military turmoil, Scott has painted a film based around a love story, or rather, an infatuation. To deflate me further, an elderly couple decided to cheat the seating plans once the film started like crouching geriatric Ninjas, which they did by hunching their backs like the the Jim Carey cartoon version of Scrooge, in the belief that they were not being observed by the rest of us. Not that I minded that, I too have helped myself to the posh back row seats many times in my life, but I was surprised to find that despite there being several other seats in isolated spaces, this couple decided to plonk themselves down right beside Moi, who was in the darkest corner of the theatre against a wall.

This unwelcome surprise resulted in me having to slowly chew the mouthful of cheesy Doritos I had been scoffing, in an effort not to make a sound during the many, many, many, quiet love scenes. Here was me thinking that the Napoleonic cannon and grape shot would be perfect for Dorito munching. Alas I was well off the mark. To make matters worse, Mr Ninja started coughing and decide against covering his mouth. I even wondered if he had been pretending to have a cough in order to make me go away so he could have some space and privacy to get it on with Mrs Ninja. I wouldn’t have blamed the old chancer; I wish I had left.

Err, this would have been a five out of ten for me, but like Scorsese’s Irishman, it’s just been dragged out for an hour or two too long. Four out of ten for me then, sadly. The little time spent on the battles appear to be filmed with a dark grey film tint (Tom Hardy’s Taboo, and Guy Pearce’s, A Christmas Carol, spring to mind). It seems as if this was done to hide the fact that the battle scenes are just not good enough. Of Bonaparte’s many military campaigns, we only get a wee bit of Borodino and Waterloo, yet very little of the Russian campaign and that devastating retreat. Even less, for that matter, of the Egyptian campaign, and nothing at all of the battle of the Pyramids, or war in Spain. This is certainly no Oscar winner folks, and I knew this after only a few minutes. To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly. Compared to the brilliant Waterloo, filmed in natural light, without drones, and with tens of thousands of extras and horses, it’s like comparing Bond with Dangermouse.  Not for this cat I’m afraid to say.

 

 

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